Hello all,
So I have been absent and fallen into something I have done in the past whenever I try and write a blog about me. I forget about the blog. Then again, I mean, I had a lot happen since I last wrote. I got into a car accident in the beginning of February and just so you know I am fine, I was hit all because the roads were slick from frozen rain the night before. My car was fixed, but I was in a state of shock for some time that I just didn't feel anything. Right before my car got fixed at the end of the month, I was able to snap back. I also started to wean off my depression medicine with the help of my doctor at the very end of that month as well. My first week of being completely off my medication was last Wednesday.
I am still going through the side effects too and I have been on it for...oh...I think it has been 7 or 8 years, and finding out that being on it as long as I have I will be feeling pretty sick for a few weeks after. Somewhere in March, I believe the 12th, I joined Planet Fitness. I actually like to go to this gym and like that I don't feel judgement when I go. I mean, you've seen how I big I am from my other two posts. I haven't been going though for the last 3 weeks or so to exercise (still going with my mom, but to use the massage chairs with my back acting up). It is hard to want to exercise or be able to when you are constantly floating in your head, the world is moving, your head hurts, and you are nauseated. On top of the side effects of weaning, my Hayfever has kicked in with Spring trying to come through and now here.
My work at home jobs have also been at a stand still. I can't seem to focus and don't even get me started on trying to paint with the fumes with all the symptoms I told you about. I'm near the end, but my anxiety is killing me with bills coming up. While I have been weaning off my depression medicine, I have been basically living off of my tax return since the end of February. That money has run out and I'm stressing having my mom help me with some of the big ones again. As someone who has never been able to hold down a normal 40 hour, outside world, conventional job because of always getting sick since I was a toddler--also as someone who doesn't like to ask for help from people--it hurts me to have my mom help when we are struggling each month.
I am a 26 year old woman who still lives with her mom, hasn't been able to move out on her own, finally finds that I can work out from home and make a living--still in the early stages and watching it grow--not to mention now that I have 'feelings' coming back from being off my medication, I want to break down and cry at every little thing. Happy, sad, stressful...I know things will work out. They always seem to, but it is so frustrating to be unable to provide for myself and be a normal child/teenager/adult in all the stages when my body fails me. I wasn't always big and overweight, I used to be skinny and very active. I blew my left knee out in 2014 and gained 40 lbs. I used to dance, play sports, be able to ride a bike without worrying about my knee.
Working out at Planet Fitness after not finding the right gym for me, has been great. I can't wait to get back there and do the work out plan that I have mapped for me, I'm just frustrated that I have to wait until I can drive myself somewhere without having a wave of vertigo or standing and almost falling over because of said wave. I could keep complaining, feeling bad for myself and I'm sure a lot of you are thinking that I need to grow up and move on. When you have depression, anxiety, or health problems since birth you can't just stick a band-aid on it and call it good. Writing it all down and out has in some way helped me tonight and if you are going through this or something similar, I hope you know you are not alone. It is easy to feel alone, that you are a burden on your loved ones, not fulfilling society's expectations of what a person should be or do, or even loved ones expectations. It's hard to get through that little voice and the feelings inside, all I can say is that it does help to have someone in your corner. My mom is that person for me as well as my best friend. She even tells me to stop worrying about how she is feeling about my situation or she will get mad because I am being hard on myself.
Each day I feel a little better, so I do something in that moment that I couldn't do before, like going for a drive or walk, until that moment leaves and I am back to the mercy of the side effects of weaning. I'm hoping to get back to the gym this weekend or even just to do yoga at home, something to get back into the routine I had. I keep moving my post-its to "paint!", "Meet Q Goal End of Month", "Edit Youtube videos and post" from week to week as well and now I need to add remember to blog. I think I'll try and write again on the 1st, see where I am mentally, physically, emotionally...just all around I think, to give an update and release my inner knots and hopefully be one step closer to being back to the Tori that I know.
Tori M.
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